Emotional responses and status

The other day, I was with a coaching client who relayed a situation they had found themselves in at a recent meeting. The client, a senior leader with considerable power and influence, had been talked down to and dismissed by a peer in a meeting with the CEO and Chair of their organisation, and was furious about what had happened.

‘How can she think behaving like that is acceptable?’ he said about his colleague, ‘I couldn’t believe she said that!’

I observed the judgements he was making about his colleague, and was curious about his reaction. ‘What do you think was going on for her in that meeting?’ I asked.

‘She’s incompetent and hides it by constantly criticising others in the team,’ he replied. ‘She’s on a power trip and wants the CEO and Chair to think she’s the only one who knows what she’s doing.’

Power Dynamics

I come across situations like this regularly. The power dynamics in organisations often become more pronounced the more senior people become, and senior teams can become riven with tension and relational challenges. Our natural negative bias often means we worry about losing our power and status, leading to misinterpretations or overreactions to neutral or positive behaviours from others. It can also contribute to holding onto grudges or negative feelings.

I challenged my client on his assumptions about his colleague. Were they true, and if so, how did he know he wasn’t just misinterpreting her behaviour? I also asked how his emotions might have influenced how he was responding to what had happened.

Scratching beneath the surface

Of course, we often don’t know what’s going on under the surface for others, as we only see what’s on show. There are an infinite number of possibilities about people’s motives and responses and in my experience, we’re often driven by fear.  Senior people might fear losing status through diminished influence, looking weak or incompetent, or even losing their job and livelihood. Throughout human evolution, status has played a fundamental aspect of group living. Status determined access to resources, mating opportunities, social influence, and those with higher status often had better chances of survival and reproduction. We may not admit it, but status is hardwired into every one of us, and the threat of losing it causes us to go to our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response pattern.

Realising there’s nothing to fear

‘What would happen,’ I asked my client, ‘if you assumed your colleague had good intent, but was operating from a position of fear? And not only that, her response caused you to respond from a position of fear as well?’

How different the situation would have been if they had been able to recognise that neither of them was in danger, there was nothing to fear, and that their emotional responses were unnecessary. They could have recognised their defensive state and chosen different responses, diffusing the situation and reaching a better solution.

We talked through what this could have looked like and agreed it could have included sharing an observation of what was happening and becoming curious about what was going on under the surface. For example:

‘Your response suggested to me that you didn’t like my suggestion, can you tell me more about your concerns?’

‘I might have observed some frustration when I suggested that, is there a different approach that might work?’

‘You responded negatively to my suggestion and I felt a little talked down to, could we talk through any frustrations to clarify where we’re both at on this?’

Notice that we avoided questions that start with ‘why’. Asking someone ‘why did you respond by talking me down’ is emotive and could ratchet up the temperature instead of taking it down. Observing what’s going on in a way that is separate from the person is less personal.

The outcome

What happened with my client? He recognised that when someone talks over him, or talks down to him in a meeting, it’s probably a reflection of their own fear and not his status or competency. He now recognises the impact this sort of response can have on him and how he can manage his response more effectively – assertively, but not emotionally.

How do you respond when you’re in a place of fear?

Coaching can be a game changer for people across all levels of an organisation, but it’s particularly powerful for senior leaders. Coaching challenges perceptions, examines thoughts and behaviours, and supports the individual to find answers in themselves to make positive change. If you want to find out more about how we can help your people make significant and lasting change, get in touch.